Posted 11:53 AM by John A. Seafisk

The Mechanics of Beach Ball Bouncing

Whenever I attend an outdoor event with a large seated crowd, say at a Dodgers game or a concert by a Beatles tribute band, there is something I can always count on:

Beach balls.

After an hour or so, during intermissions or between innings, the inevitable beach ball makes its appearance...resulting in a spontaneous mass volleyball game. The ball gets battered around and around, off people's hands, their heads, their faces, their shoulders, their butts, and so forth.

But before you start banging your balls around, there are some tips you should take to further your enjoyment & lessen the aggravation of other concertgoers/sports fans/drunks:

Lesson 1:
When seated in the front-row sections, always hit the ball to the back seat of the stadium/arena/bowl. Hitting it forward will only result in the ball falling to the lower sections or onto the field/stage, causing delays in the game/performance and inviting the scorn of fellow attendees. They'll point and boo at you, and your self-esteem will be knocked a few pegs down by the ridicule. Or they'll yell at you.

By hitting it to the back, more folks will get the chance to touch & handle the sacred beach ball, generating a sense of community participation...bringing us altogether as one big happy global family. Also, it'll keep the ball moving, distracting those from a game/show that has waned in exciting or interesting moments.

Lesson 2:
Hit the ball in any direction, as long as it's up. The ideal angle of trajectory should be 60 degrees to provide enough distance for ball travel. Hitting the ball straight up will result in the ball coming back down to hit you or those around you, which may make an uncomfortable ride home with your date/significant other, and likely the last ride you'll have for a while. Hitting it at a low angle, say 10 degrees, will result in the ball slamming against a fellow attendee's face....who will likely be your date/significant other or a very large short-tempered gentleman who may take appropriate action later in the parking lot. Also, security won't be happy, and we don't want to upset security now, do we?

And again for added emphasis: if you're in the front rows, HIT IT TO THE BACK! Some of us want to get in on this action, too, you know! Don't be such a greedy, stupid bastard.

Lesson 3:
If sitting near young children when the beach ball comes your way, catch it and give it to them. This will make you appear like a nice person and improve your social standing, especially with the hot chicks who go for the sensitive male thing. Too bad they're there with their boyfriends.

But anyway, giving it to the kids is just a nice thing to do. It also deflects all boos to them when they hit it all wrong. Just beware of the ball heading right back at you, most likely toward your crotch.

Keep these lessons in mind, and your next festival outing should be more enjoyable then ever before. Or you can just forget it and stay at home.